The O.D. on movies: Netflix Original Movies Special: Part One

Covering Tau, The Ritual and nothing else. Definitely not also covering The Babysitter.

Rulerofowls (ROW) has met today with the newest member of the Owls: Couch Owl. As part of her initiation, ROW has made CO watch Netflix Original movies until she SEES-THEM-ALL, or gives up and admit defeat in front of all owls. The first week consisted of 3 movies and a very close call…

• ROW: First of all, welcome to the Owls! I hope you get to enjoy yourself, watching movies, tv-shows and playing video games; I know it’s a hard job, but I’m sure you’ll manage! How was your first week?
• [CO puts out her smoke and wraps her blanket tighter] It could have been better…
• ROW: Oh god, you look like you just came back from a romantic getaway weekend at Camp Crystal Lake, where all your friends died at the hands of Jason and you were the lone survivor! I’ve heard Netflix Original movies were bad, but I never thought they were that bad!
• CO: No, its fine I can get through it—I think!
• ROW: So, ummm… what movies did you watch this week? Let’s start with the worst one and move on from there…
• CO: OH GOD NO, PLEASE NO! I CAN’T! I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE WORST ONE!
• ROW: Ummm…
• CO: Can I just talk about The Ritual and Tau? Let’s just pretend that I’ve only seen two movies! So, Tau is not…
• ROW: I’m sorry, but we have to talk about the third Just start by describing the experience, and we’ll go from there!
• CO: Okay! Fine!!! Have you ever painted a wall, and then sit and watch the paint dry…
• ROW: Can’t say that I have…
• CO:…And by sit, I mean sit on a 3 meters long, 2 meters wide flaming dildo.
• ROW: That’s oddly specific…
• CO: Yeah, it is, because I’ve had to think long and hard (pun intended) about how to describe the painful experience I’ve had with this movie! You know what? You asked for it, so here’s my ANALYSIS of The Babysitter: This movie is the illegitimate child of a 5 year old high on meth and a monkey raised by weird, pop-culture loving hipsters, who was then put up for adoption and was raised by Donald Trump! It’s sexist (there are 5 women in this movie and all of them boil down to “they are hot, vain, and psychologically disturbed”), racist (there are two black characters that both do the “ghetto” talking and acting comic relief thing, and that’s the extent of their characters), has incredibly cringe-worthy and painful attempts at comedy, even worse attempts at horror and horror commentary, is blatantly stealing visual styles from other movies, tries to shoehorn a message that is as stupid as it is forced, has one dimensional characters that DEMAND to be killed so that the movie can get less painful, but the only release comes after the 1 hour and 25 minute mark when this FUCKING MOVIE, FUCKING ENDS!!!
• [ROW emerges from under the table, terrified] Well, it can only get better from here on, right?!
• CO: I FUCKING HOPE SO, because after several years of reading relevant philosophers and contemplating their philosophies, I now understand too well the concept of existential nihilism! I would rather have a starving lion scratch my back than watch this flaming dumpster full of puppies, piece of shit movie; I would rather pluck my own feathers off, using a live piranha; I would…
• ROW: Okay, okay! Let’s move on to Tau, please…

  

• CO: …Didn’t like it; some strong performances from Maika Monroe (once again she is excellent), Nicholas Holt and Gary Oldman (as the voice of a sentient AI), and the movie working great as an analogy—which the movie points to and encourages that viewpoint several times—can’t save this movie from a boring progression of the plot and the base story feeling disjointed, and the fact that sentient AI media has had a massive growth and to stand out, something extraordinary has to be done. There is satisfaction to be gained from following and paying attention to the movie, but the base level story is so poor and the visual effects look so cheap, that the movie really suffers from it.
• ROW: That just leaves The Ritual, which was hopefully good?
• CO: Yeah, it was. I liked the overwhelming sense of dread and the choice of setting this movie in the woods, which—alongside the amazing cinematography and spooky vibes—grant The Ritual the necessary tension. Furthermore—like with Tau—the enjoyment from the narrative is supposed to be derived, by looking at the film as the analogy it is obviously implying it is; however, unlike Tau, the base story is still enjoyable and works well enough. This is the type of horror that I adore: No un-necessary jumpscares, no cheap tricks, just the psychologically disturbing and truly haunting questions raised, through the tragic examination of humanity; in a pretty scary and fucked up context/environment/mood. Also, the performance from the lead actor is pretty strong and the supporting cast is not bad either! The only issue is that the movie leads up to the final act expertly, but stumbles with the execution of that final act; it’s still, an okay ending and not all of the sequences in that final act are bad, but a lot of it felt unfocused and like it was steering wildly in all directions. Still enjoyable though!
• ROW: Well, I’m glad you had some fun, during your first week! The Ritual sounds very interesting, so I’ll give that a watch certainly; Tau sounds like a bummer, but if I have nothing else to do, I’ll see it. And, that’s it! That’s all the movies you saw this week! I look forward to hearing about what you saw next week!
• [CO nods in relief] Thank you.
• ROW: So, one of the elder owls is going away on a trip and is looking for a babysi…
• CO: NO! No, no, no, NO! I would rather drown myself in a washing machine! I would rather do a Mission Impossible stunt with a broken wing! I would rather watch A Serbian Film 3 times in a row with my parents! I would rather go to church with a “I’ve gone gay for Jesus” shirt! I would rather…
• ROW: …Okay, sorry forget I said anything! I’ll leave now…
• CO: …listen to Nicki Minaj songs, non-stop until my ears start to bleed! I would rather ice rat poison and use the ice cubes in my drink on a hot summer day! I would…[this went on for two hours before she realized, she did not have to watch The Babysitter. In fact, she never did!! She just wore her blanket again and calmed down]